I hope the Forum won't mind me posting this entertainment on this section. Hope you enjoy the following 'skit' which came to me a few weeks ago. Somewhere in the multiverse (and try to imagine Paul reading this) ...
New for 2012: Vienna Symphonic Library announces the release of … Vienna Irritating Audience
Give your musical performances undreamed-of realism. No concert performance is quite there without irritating behavior from the audience. After the finest quality samples of orchestral instruments, Vienna Symphonic Library takes the ultimate step: Vienna Irritating Audience.
The Vienna Irritating Audience Collection contains an extraordinary range of irritating audience noises and distractions. Apart from all the standard inconsiderate performances by members of the public, it contains other nuisances guaranteed to enhance your music. These irritations have been put into the right perspective with multi-sampled convolution reverb from Vienna MIR so you can give your music the well-meaning inattention of a small-town premiere right up to city premiere indifference or capitol major concert riot.
The Vienna Irritating Audience Full Library contains 936 GB of uncompressed sample data in 96 kHz/192-bit. Due to an innovative optimization process, the Vienna Instruments engine decompresses the samples in real-time, so that they take up only 73KB of space on your hard disk.
Vienna Irritating Audience (VIA) comes as individual downloads and a boxed collection so you can choose just the right amount of irritating audience behavior for your music. It has a Standard and an Extended Library. The Standard Library includes the following ‘instruments’, each with a variety of articulations:
Instruments (Standard Library)
Mobile Phone (bleep)
Mobile Phone (loud chorus)
Mobile Phone (traditional bell ring)
Mistimed Clap (solo)
Mistimed Clap (whole row)
Mistimed Clap (stalls)
Mistimed Clap (upper tier)
Late Arrival (solo)
Late Arrival (family)
Late Arrival (couple)
Early Departure (solo)
Early Exit (family)
Early Exit (couple)
Early Exit (reviewer)
Same Row Foot-Tapper
Coughing (solo and ensemble)
Hostile Function and Audience Abuse
Here are more details of the Vienna Irritating Audience Collection:
The samples are short (first pocket), medium (second pocket), long (in bag) and seemingly-endless (OMG-I-can’t find-it). Superb for placing in a p or pp passage.
Vienna Symphonic Library sampled cellphones with modern and old bell telephone rings so if they are set to go off at once during the music you won’t get unwanted ‘phasing’ effects. Use the ‘halt’ feature if the conductor really objects. Vienna software integrates the timing to avoid quantized halts. Instead it produces a humanized ragged premature halt in the music so the musicians don’t all stop precisely on the beat if the conductor wants to start again.
Other libraries’ audience effects are just a load of clap. But Vienna’s Mistimed Clap matrix ensures polyphonic clapping at the wrong time. Choose from the following articulations: tentative, embarrassed, routine, brazen, slow, bored and sarcastic. Excellent for placing at the end of a symphonic movement which isn’t actually the last. Give the conclusion to your overture or concerto just the right amount of hesitation and confusion.
This matrix gives you the devastating realism of the classic Bored Child, Crying Baby, Whining Child, and Sibling Squabble (with release samples).
Music emerges from silence and ends with magically-charged seconds of hush impregnated with a profound mystery created by composer, conductor, musicians and audience ... the highlight of the evening … But why let this moment go unspoiled? Trigger a ruinous shout of ‘bravo!’ and kill the enchantment. No Brucknerian symphonic epic need go unspoilt. Using sophisticated recruitment techniques (star sign, waist-measurement, supremacy index) the Vienna development team stood several champion ‘Bravo! Snobs’ on the dedicated silentstage and for several days sampled their outbursts at various degrees of premature exclamation and egoism. (Note: these patches are only 1 – 2 ms and not available lower than forte).
The patience of the Vienna team was certainly tested during the recording phase, but the developers overcame with a brilliant innovation. Consequently, the last reverb reflections of an occasional single but remarkably effective gunshot coming from off-stage have been successfully hidden by the use of ‘homicide masking samples’ so you need not be distracted when placing the ‘Bravo! Snob’. Master release samples enable positioning of this act of aural vandalism right over the last chord of your music.
The Coughing matrix captures in stunning realism the cougher who really should have stayed at home. The articulations with three pulmonary layers per dynamic enabling velocity cross-fade as the cough develops stopping only short of projectile vomiting at FF. Included are dry, irritating dry, medium dry, expectorant, moist, throaty, hacking, queasy and vomit. There are staccato and legato coughs, and performance repetition coughing. The Uncontrollable Cough can be combined in a cell with one of the articulations from Early Exit, to get a smooth sense of the illness-driven departure from the concert.
Note: The perf-rep coughing patches are played by default for tickly coughs, because they sound more natural with repeated coughs than the normal cough patches. If you want to use the normal cough patch instead of the performance repetition, use the keypad’s staccato mark and add the Technique Text command “cough”. Add the following entry to your Sibelius dictionary: Staff Text/”cough”: Sound ID change “+cough.single cough” until start of next note. To trigger the vomit patch use the upbow marking. To trigger the sneeze patch add an asterisk in technique text or use ‘sfz’. If you are using the latest Vienna Symphonic Library House Style these commands are already included in the dictionary.
Choose from single adult, single elderly, young couple, middle-aged couple, married with three kids, VIPs, ‘Here Under Duress’, Bored Music Reviewer. The articulations include footsteps, shuffles, whispered apologies and seats banging. Velocity sampling captures the speed and anxiety with which each instance of Late Arrival tries to get to his or her seat. Can be placed before the piece starts or layered over once started, and given additional realism with auto-voicing in VIPro2.
This matrix gives all the realism of the audience leaving. You might well have written a great piece but there’s always someone who wants to leave before the end. Vienna Early Exit logarithm automatically places the noise of the Early Exit the correct percentage from the actual end of the music for an authentic mild disruption and aural blemish. Multiple Early Exits can be randomized for greater disruption. The articulations include Reverse Bored Music Reviewer, floor portamento Bored Child (which can be combined with detache Exasperated Parent for a duo effect), and the shorter duration First Out Of The Car Park (with optional car-key percussion).
Late Arrival and Early Exit are enhanced by the patches Shoe Squeak Leather and Shoe Squeak Synthetic in VIA’s Irritating Percussion preset.
Vienna Irritating Audience Presets (with Late-Arriving Drunk)
If you have Vienna MIR Plus you can use the Vienna Irritating Audience Presets which are available for download. The normal Late Arrival and Early Exit articulations follow straight line routes from left, right and centre doors in each hall and don’t last long. But for a different effect try Late-Arriving Drunk and listen to how the footfalls travel across the stereo image in the most circuitous route around the back of the hall with the noise of various collisions. You can choose from up to 10 different drunken paths. These were painstakingly recorded by anonymous volunteers who with different levels of inebriation were recorded as they staggered into each hall and tried to find their seat. (Vienna Symphonic Library gratefully acknowledges the help of a number of beer cellars during this project). If the effect is not quite what you want you can simply hit ‘Refresh’. (Our volunteers certainly did … ). (BTW there is no truth in rumours that the price of this software has been affected in any way by hospital bills and insurance claims).
Late-Arriving Drunk is especially effective in 5.1 mixes, where the full serpentine quality of concert wandering can be appreciated. Furthermore, Vienna’s unique imaging enables full control of parameters such as Time of Night, Alcohol Intake, Public Holiday On/Off, Pitch-From-Vertical, Pause-and-Sway, and you can assign Expression so that the slider goes from Despair to Elation. If you place Late-Arriving Drunk in the conductor’s position before the music has started VIA will automatically introduce extreme humanize effects into the music leading to an almost complete breakdown of timing from the musicians. Your music really will sound like it is conducted by a drunk! Pitch and timing effects can then be learned and optimized by pushing the ‘Utter Shambles’ button and re-applied to future performances.
The Vienna Irritating Audience Extended Library includes the (handkerchief-) muted versions of all the coughs in the Standard Library plus various Sneezes (muted and unmuted). To trigger the muted coughs and sneezes use the Technique command ‘con handkerchief’ or ‘con kleenex’. To go back to normal use ‘senza handkerchief’ or ‘senza kleenex’. It also has the Occasional Nervous Throat-Clearer patch for a genuinely randomized effect.
For louder passages try the Vienna Imperial Cougher matrix – a brilliant realization which offers coughs of concert-spoiling Wagnerian proportions. This was recorded on the Vienna Silentstage with the expert advice of many of Austria’s leading Ear, Nose and Throat specialists.
From discussing the programme notes, to lovers’ sweet nothings (ideal for more romantic pieces), questions that could wait and bored sighs, the Distracting Whisper matrix provides a variety of subtle but annoying high-frequency noises. Note: there are no sustain or legato samples above the dynamic marking ‘mp’. To trigger the marcato sotto voce Argumentative Whisper patch at ‘mf’ use an accent mark.
This matrix provides a range of sudden interruptions: Vienna Sweet (including left hand wrapper twist and right hand wrapper twist), Crisp Packet (several velocities, salted and unsalted), Drop Umbrella, Drop Book, Drop Shopping Bag, Programme Slither / Splash Impact, Sulky Teenager Kick, Flipback Chair, Guide-Dog Bark, Stage Door Bang, Shoe Squeak Leather, Shoe Squeak Synthetic.
Like Distracting Whispers these samples are designed to work best during those quiet, spiritual moments in your music. These matrices combine well with the Vienna Imperial piano and the Solo Strings. To trigger the Noisy Eater patches use the technique text command ‘con baguette’. To return to normal use ‘ord.’ or ‘stuffed’.
It also has the Noises Off articulations, which range from conversations and laughter in the foyer, passing ambulance / fire engine sirens, buses and trams (choose from French or Viennese), police cars, nearby gas explosions, subsiding buildings, an amateur rock band practicing, underground trains, a Hollywood film soundtrack coming through the wall, to an earthquake, and the rumble from a small nuclear detonation in a neighbouring city. These louder patches sound good combined with the Ensemble Gasp! Patches.
Hostile Function and Audience Abuse
If you compose difficult, avante garde or atonal music you can never be sure how an audience will react. Perhaps they will not like your music and be annoyed having paid good money for a tune or two. Why wait for the hostile reaction when you can create it for yourself with Vienna Irritating Audience? The Extended Library version of the Early Exit matrix includes the Hostile Function allowing you to put an extra edge on those audience noises to make them sound personal. Additionally, load the Audience Abuse matrix which includes cat-calls sampled with different levels of derision, shouts (male and female voices included), and includes the superb 1913 Rite Convolution Preset - a minor riot with French exclamations, shouts of ‘Un dentist!’, ‘Deux dentistes!’ (Other languages will be available later as add-on packs to simulate riotous concerts in most major European cities). Sibelius users choose ‘Stampede’ from the unpitched percussion menu for this sample. Use Velocity Cross-fade on the Insult patch to seamlessly blend mild abuse into extreme profanity (evidence of 18+ age needed).
Er ... okay, I think I'd rather have those Divisi Strings ... Happy Christmas to everyone at Vienna. Thanks for your brilliant innovations and good luck in 2012.