Oh, I really like those "religious" wars on questions "which music is music" etc. [:'(]
Since you don't apear to have an answer on your question (as far as your were not just fishing for compliments), so let's try this one:
I think there might have been a misunderstanding on the remarks you got from the first listeners and your own judgement:
What the people hear (as far as I am concerned and what was said before) is a cover version that does not sound "odd" - just like something extremely relaxed - which COULD have been your intention - the style of the vocal track fits OK to the "backgroundish" - why not doing it all with pad-like "strings" and "woods".
But maybe you had a different approach to this song originally: If you wanted something like DM's "Little 15" (album "Music for the Masses") or even the final part of their "Home" (Album "Ultra"), you will have to arrange VSL in quite a different way.
Try to use compression as insert on every single VSL voice for a start and experiment with attack / decay controls - those chorus effect things make the sound "broad" on the one hand, but there is no "bite" any more on the other. You can imagine: What's James Bond wothout attack? (Yes, I'm thinking of that great "Die Another Day" string samples!). Holy compressor!
The other thing is arrangement, of course. If you want orchestral manoevers (not only in the dark), try to arrange a sting quartet for a start (imagine "Eleanor Rigby" (Beatles) background sting quartet: They do bite!), and learn to use quartet sounds in backgrund and how they change the expression of your song in contrast to a full- blown-and-hard-to-mix-into-pop-symphony-orchestra. Quartets like to "move" and not not "pad".
And for the pizziato stuff, see how e.g. ENYA is doing it to make it move (if you Americans know her anyway [<:o)] ).
Of course one can spend thousand of years until symphonic sounds fit to electronic or pop music like Mike Batt or Alan Parsons do.... Still you could of course leave yourself to your own devices and make some more "relaxed" works... there is nothing wrong about - not every CD is the right a ambience for your tea time [C]
My opinion: At least the instrumental in the third minute could really take a slight takeoff to keep the listeners attention unbroken. "You gotta move it, move it!"
Ah yes - and there is something irritating with the very second chord... But maybe this is what it should be and it is all a matter of taste and religion...